Job Interview Nightmare #76

This job interview was the worst. And I’ve had a lot of bad ones.

b8b1f370-9b4d-0132-a2c5-0e6808eb79bf

The job posting I applied to was for a start-up looking for a content editor. Writing deals for the website and publishing content? Awesome, that sounded like something I could do! My confidence was at an all-time high as I left the door.

I hadn’t had a job interview in awhile, so the professional black blazer I wore was a bit snug as I buttoned it up. But, oh well, it would do.

I sat down with the CEO and the Content Manager. Right away, they ask how my CSS, Java and PHP skills are, along with another list of random acronyms I’ve never dealt with in my entire life.

“I thought this was for a content writing job?” My voice squeaked. None of that was in the job posting. If it had been, I wouldn’t have applied. And if I had those skills, they would have been in my resume. Did nobody look at my resume?

“Sorry, we are looking for these particular qualifications,” the CEO said. “You are probably not the right fit.”

I stood, stunned, and gathered my untouched writing portfolio from the table. Just as I leaned forward, my stomach expanded slightly, and the button on my blazer popped off.

Like, it literally popped off. Flew up in the air, landed on the table, bounced, hit the floor, and rolled into the corner.

Everyone stared at the button, watching it. Horrified, my face flushed, I shook hands, thanked them for their time, and ran out of the room without collecting my button. Maybe if I didn’t acknowledge that it happened, it hadn’t happened.

Two days later I got a call from the Content Manager. “We found someone for the content editor position you interviewed for, but another writing job has opened up at another app we are working on. We would like to offer you the job.”

I think they felt sorry for me. I took the job.

I wanted to get my button back.

 

 

 

These Things Only Happen to Me: Rolling Fruit Edition

It’s the Tuesday after a long weekend. On my way back to my desk from the kitchen, I’m carrying two mandarin oranges and a cup of tea. I casually stroll past my crush’s office, planning a sexy smile and wave if he looks up from my desk.

But no, Crush1 (yes, he is one of many) has his back turned. Half asleep and unprepared, an orange slides from my hand. I watch in horror as it rolls and rolls and rolls across the hall. Please bypass his office, I beg the errant orange. Please don’t roll into his office!

The orange hates me. It rolls into his office.

From the hallway, I watch as my fruit rolls to a complete stop under his desk. Crush1 is completely oblivious.

I’m frozen. I have two choices.

a) Run away back to my desk and hide in shame. Pretend it never happened. After it starts to rot and smell funny, he’ll look down and find a random orange and have no idea where it came from.

b) Rescue my orange!

I’m not known for making the smartest decisions. I decide to go after the orange. Besides, I wouldn’t want him to get sick from the pungent stink of a rotten random fruit. I’m also worried for his sanity. What’ll he think, random people are hiding oranges under his desk?

I creep into his office. So far, so good. His back is still turned to me. Maybe he won’t notice if I bent down, snatch the orange, flee to my desk, and-

“What are you doing!?”

Dammit. Crush1 has spun around and sees me creeping into his office.

“My orange.” I bend over, snatch it, and wave it in the air. “It rolled.”

crying-under-desk

If you need me, I’ll be under my desk. Laughing and crying.

These things only happen to me, I swear.

 

 

 

 

Awkward Subway Moment #4382

I swear the most awkwardest things in the world always happen to me.

I am literally this all the time:

see-no-evil-monkey

The other day, I was on the subway rushing home after work, crammed into a subway car. We stop at a station, and the guy standing in front of me tries to get off the train.

But he couldn’t. My scarf had gotten stuck in the zipper of his backpack.

(I was wearing a scarf I bought in Ukraine, that looks like this:)

$_35

Somehow, one of the tassels got right into the part of the zipper, and he couldn’t get off! He was literally trying to drag me off the train with him. I tried desperately to pull it out, but it was really jammed in there. The more I panicked, the harder it was to pull it out.

The doors closed, and he missed his stop.

By the next stop, we both managed to get it out and he got off at the next stop. But I was absolutely MORTIFIED.

giphy (8)

At least the guy was really really really nice about it. I’m surprised he didn’t punch me in the face.

Too bad he wasn’t cute. That would’ve been quite a story, right?

“How did you two meet?”

“On the subway. My scarf was so attracted to him, it didn’t want to let him go.”